To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the position of Chief Marketing poo-bah for your company. In my career, I have successfully closed three companies that have failed to find a niche. However, I blame the techies, since I have been very successful in creating a great deal of excitement for products that failed to live up to the hype. Despite the fact that the job description for this position states that an MBA is "preferred", I submit that my bachelor of FINE arts degree is better than a regular bachelor of arts degree since it is...well... finer.

On the surface, my background might not seem well suited for your company. But let me assure you that my lack of job experience utilizing social networking to market is unreflective of my deep understanding of the social networking phenomenon. I spend a great deal of time on MySpace, Facebook and Twitter endlessly networking with many people who all think I am the bee's knees. I will simply apply this knowledge to your company and in no time, voila, you too can be the bee's knees.

I am an extremely capable communicator and was once recognized as one of the top bloggers of the month on MySpace by someone who wanted me to link to their page. At one point I even cracked into the top 100 blogs of the day, but mostly because I was checking my comments so religiously that I might have spiked the numbers a bit.

I have a thorough understanding of Google Ad Words as should be obvious from the ads to the left over here ----------->
And I don't need to work since I make so much from people clicking on these ads, but I figure, why should I keep all this stuff to myself, right?

I have been the recipient of many awards in my career. I was voted "biggest feet" by my graduating class, in what I now realize was an inside joke at other parts of my anatomy. But really... don't you want someone on your team with big feet? I also won first prize in the Pinewood Derby when I was a Cub Scout, which means that I know how to make things go fast, and win... despite the part about the closing of companies, and the endless complaints from my wife about me being a loser. She is just joking. Mostly.

Combined, I believe my practical knowledge and relative success with companies such as yours makes me the ideal choice for this position. Or perhaps another position, if that floats your boat. I'm really up for anything. And remember the part about the big feet... unless you are a guy... or if you are a guy, and you swing that way... then remember. Otherwise, just forget I mentioned it.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Since Last We Left Our Intrepid Blogger...

The last month has blown. In a life of occassionally blowy months. This one has been one of the blowiest. I'm tired of the people that tell me that things will work out... and that at least I have my health... and that there are many people that are worse off than me. No fucking dah. I am accutely aware of how good I have it, during my times of blowiness. And yes... I know it will work out in the long run. Key word being "long". Why do we feel the need to address the whiney trauma-ists in life with these platitudes? Most of us are used to the roller coaster. We've been down. We've been up. We know the score and the game and the best we can come up with is "things will work out"? Of course, we feel bad. And of course, we feel helpless when talking to people in the middle of a down stretch. So we fall back on the easy answers. Because silence just seems silly and embarrassing.

On the flip side of blowiness... are a few people who actually seem to care. This surprises me. Because, at heart, I know that I care. But I'm so jaded at this point that I assume everyone else is just pretending. Why do we do that? Assume that no one else really cares. I mean, I suppose that life teaches us all sorts of lessons regarding this. One is that... no one likes a whiner. But everyone likes a winner. And so we all hide it away and say "everything is GREAT." Which really means "things are so f-ed up that all I have left is this fake smile." And we smile and see all around us the same facades in all the faces we meet.

I met a women once and we had many deep conversations about this and that. Very deep. I was fourteen or fifteen. She was more than twice my age. I'm sure now I had a huge crush on her. But at the time it was all about the deep conversations we had about things. We talked about this exact thing. About the surface platitudes that we share with those around us that we only ever know on a surface level. We made a pact that we would always ask each other how we REALLY were. And we would mean without all the covering crap. I grew up and we moved on and we talk every decade or so now. And when we see each other we ask each other how we REALLY are. And we laugh. And then we provide each other with a load of platitudes.

Because no one really likes a whiner.