Thursday, December 17, 2009

To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the position of Chief Marketing poo-bah for your company. In my career, I have successfully closed three companies that have failed to find a niche. However, I blame the techies, since I have been very successful in creating a great deal of excitement for products that failed to live up to the hype. Despite the fact that the job description for this position states that an MBA is "preferred", I submit that my bachelor of FINE arts degree is better than a regular bachelor of arts degree since it is...well... finer.

On the surface, my background might not seem well suited for your company. But let me assure you that my lack of job experience utilizing social networking to market is unreflective of my deep understanding of the social networking phenomenon. I spend a great deal of time on MySpace, Facebook and Twitter endlessly networking with many people who all think I am the bee's knees. I will simply apply this knowledge to your company and in no time, voila, you too can be the bee's knees.

I am an extremely capable communicator and was once recognized as one of the top bloggers of the month on MySpace by someone who wanted me to link to their page. At one point I even cracked into the top 100 blogs of the day, but mostly because I was checking my comments so religiously that I might have spiked the numbers a bit.

I have a thorough understanding of Google Ad Words as should be obvious from the ads to the left over here ----------->
And I don't need to work since I make so much from people clicking on these ads, but I figure, why should I keep all this stuff to myself, right?

I have been the recipient of many awards in my career. I was voted "biggest feet" by my graduating class, in what I now realize was an inside joke at other parts of my anatomy. But really... don't you want someone on your team with big feet? I also won first prize in the Pinewood Derby when I was a Cub Scout, which means that I know how to make things go fast, and win... despite the part about the closing of companies, and the endless complaints from my wife about me being a loser. She is just joking. Mostly.

Combined, I believe my practical knowledge and relative success with companies such as yours makes me the ideal choice for this position. Or perhaps another position, if that floats your boat. I'm really up for anything. And remember the part about the big feet... unless you are a guy... or if you are a guy, and you swing that way... then remember. Otherwise, just forget I mentioned it.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

19 comments:

  1. Dear Sir,

    The position we have available is a considerably challenging one. It requires the greatest finesse in partnering with our Deranged Neighbors, Sociallite Cougars and Repressed Postal departments.

    Then again, you have big feet.

    You're hired.

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  2. @Chantel... I speak softly and carry a big stick. That works for all those mentioned in your job description. Thank you for the opportunity.

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  3. crap, where was this form letter when i was without employment? no wonder it took ten months to get hired.

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  4. @Char... you mean you have big feet too? We should start our own club. The sad part is that I had that discussion about my BFA with a HR person the other day. He asked me like 10 times. "So it is a Bachelor of FINE Arts" **sigh**

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  5. What a cruel, cruel inside joke at your anatomy. Poor Mr. Circles, suffering the humiliation of that unseemly innuendo.

    If you need another reference, I also happen to think you're the cat's meow.

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  6. @Steamy... so there are all my friends in the yearbook "most likely to succeed... best looking... etc." And there I am with my feet propped up on the table. Swear to god. Such a cloistered idiot I was. Okay... it could have been worse... I should totally cut and paste some blog awards into the bottom of my resume. "Steam Me Up, Kid" calls me "The Cat's Meow".

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  7. If it makes you feel any better, I got, "Most likely to not be as innocent as everyone thinks she is". What the hell is that? That's a category?

    Plus, I'm an innocent flower, motherfuckers. Shut it.

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  8. You talk a good case... but if the big shoe fits.

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  9. This is hilarious. I bet if you had the balls to send it, you might get a job out of it.

    I wonder if that guy who runs American Apparel is hiring? Or the guy who runs the Abercrombie dynasty? They both seems like pervs who would appreciate your "big feet."

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  10. Is the American Apparel guy the one that jerked off during an interview with a journalist? Yeah... that's probably the place for me. Heh.

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  11. PS: I just clicked on your Google ad for "Explain Death To Children."

    My god, you have the strangest collection of ads. Oh, and you owe me 2 cents.

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  12. I'm surprised with those big feet you've failed to find a niche.

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  13. yes, i have big feet. alas, it's not quite the same cachet for women as it has for men. they just think i may stomp them or something.

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  14. @mandy... this might bring a whole new level to our old habit of clicking on each other's blogs.

    @lindsay... why do I get the sense there is some double meaning in your comment?

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  15. @char... I think some men might like that... **raised eyebrow**

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  16. Oooo. Exccccellent. I'll be editing your key phrases right into my cover letter...

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  17. @Kate... I've gotten a lot of good reactions from the Pinewood Derby thing. I recommend that as a good ice breaker. You can pass as a former Cub Scout.

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  18. you bring new hope to both the failing company and big footed job seeker.

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