(reread this one this morning and thought you might enjoy it too)
I love Arthurian legend. How can anyone not? It is the basis for so much of western culture and Python humor. I remember sitting in Harry Pole's class (that's what we called him anyway... I think his last name was Pollson or something like that)... and learning all about the seedy world of double entendres. So today I give you a brief overview of some of the lesser known interpretations of the legend known as Arthur.
1) They all named their swords. I mean, come on... if you are a big virile knight you can't be running around with wimpy sounding sword, like Rocky, can you? You need manly sword names, like Excalibur.
2) There are two legends about the origins of Excalibur. The first is the well known Sword in the Stone. Uther, who was Arthur's father, stuck it in the stone before his death brought on by a husband he was cuckolding. The wife was chaste and he had to resort to Merlin "magic" to get her to spread her legs. (I could use me some of that Merlin magic) So anyway, Uther gets in a tight spot because of his dick and to preserve his "family heirloom" he sticks his "sword" in a stone... A "stone" is a well known euphemism for "a woman who won't put out"... "She lay their like she was made of stone, for Christ's sake." Anyway... the only one who could get this stone to put out was, of course, young Arthur. And after this, it was obvious that he should be king. I'm thinking he got most of the women voters.
3) The second origin of Excalibur legend is much easier to understand. Arthur gets the sword out of the Lady of Lake. So a wet lady gives him a big sword. This is simple enough that children can understand it.
4) Our hero's best mate is Lancelot. As his name implies, he likes to use his lance a lot. Particularly, as it were, on Arthur's wife.
5) One of the greatest heroes was Gawain, notable for his battle with the Green Knight. Green, as we well know, is the universal color of horniness. And so the story is actually a tale of Gawain's secret desire for men. Gawain cuts off the head of this man (latent homophobia) and the man walks off with his head stating that Gawain must come see him in another year for his own "beheading". When he shows up a year later at the appointed castle he is seduced by the wife of the Green Knight who gives him some green lady's undies to wear to his beheading. Kinky, no doubt. When he shows up, obviously finally accepting his gayness, he is spared.
I could go on like this for hours. But I shall spare you. I won't, for instance, go on with the Holy Grail since the legend has been so defiled by Dan Brown in The DaVinci Code. But I shall end with the death of our hero.
7) Now old and brokenhearted... Arthur is locked in battle with his son Mordred. Mordred's mother is Arthur's sister. Don't ask. Some skeletons should be left lie. But anyway... Arthur is banging away at his son/nephew when he is mortally wounded. And the dying wish of a cuckolded king? To dip his sword once more in the wetness of a lady. And so Excalibur goes back to the Lady of the Lake, put there by Bedivere (which I believe goes above and beyond the call of duty). Anyway... the wet woman takes all three feet of his sword and is so happy that she sends a barge to take Arthur off to the afterlife.
Now that, friends, is the way to go.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago