Monday, January 11, 2010

La Petite Morte d'Arthur

(reread this one this morning and thought you might enjoy it too)

I love Arthurian legend. How can anyone not? It is the basis for so much of western culture and Python humor. I remember sitting in Harry Pole's class (that's what we called him anyway... I think his last name was Pollson or something like that)... and learning all about the seedy world of double entendres. So today I give you a brief overview of some of the lesser known interpretations of the legend known as Arthur.

1) They all named their swords. I mean, come on... if you are a big virile knight you can't be running around with wimpy sounding sword, like Rocky, can you? You need manly sword names, like Excalibur.

2) There are two legends about the origins of Excalibur. The first is the well known Sword in the Stone. Uther, who was Arthur's father, stuck it in the stone before his death brought on by a husband he was cuckolding. The wife was chaste and he had to resort to Merlin "magic" to get her to spread her legs. (I could use me some of that Merlin magic) So anyway, Uther gets in a tight spot because of his dick and to preserve his "family heirloom" he sticks his "sword" in a stone... A "stone" is a well known euphemism for "a woman who won't put out"... "She lay their like she was made of stone, for Christ's sake." Anyway... the only one who could get this stone to put out was, of course, young Arthur. And after this, it was obvious that he should be king. I'm thinking he got most of the women voters.

3) The second origin of Excalibur legend is much easier to understand. Arthur gets the sword out of the Lady of Lake. So a wet lady gives him a big sword. This is simple enough that children can understand it.

4) Our hero's best mate is Lancelot. As his name implies, he likes to use his lance a lot. Particularly, as it were, on Arthur's wife.

5) One of the greatest heroes was Gawain, notable for his battle with the Green Knight. Green, as we well know, is the universal color of horniness. And so the story is actually a tale of Gawain's secret desire for men. Gawain cuts off the head of this man (latent homophobia) and the man walks off with his head stating that Gawain must come see him in another year for his own "beheading". When he shows up a year later at the appointed castle he is seduced by the wife of the Green Knight who gives him some green lady's undies to wear to his beheading. Kinky, no doubt. When he shows up, obviously finally accepting his gayness, he is spared.

I could go on like this for hours. But I shall spare you. I won't, for instance, go on with the Holy Grail since the legend has been so defiled by Dan Brown in The DaVinci Code. But I shall end with the death of our hero.

7) Now old and brokenhearted... Arthur is locked in battle with his son Mordred. Mordred's mother is Arthur's sister. Don't ask. Some skeletons should be left lie. But anyway... Arthur is banging away at his son/nephew when he is mortally wounded. And the dying wish of a cuckolded king? To dip his sword once more in the wetness of a lady. And so Excalibur goes back to the Lady of the Lake, put there by Bedivere (which I believe goes above and beyond the call of duty). Anyway... the wet woman takes all three feet of his sword and is so happy that she sends a barge to take Arthur off to the afterlife.

Now that, friends, is the way to go.


  1. ah yes...I needed this when I wrote my senior literature paper back in the day - I was all about some king arthur. and especially as portrayed by clive owen more recently. that being said, excaliber is the best movie besides the holy grail.

  2. My favorite equine grooming product was called "Excaliber." And yes, it as a soap used to clean a male horse's "sheath."

  3. First--LMAO at #4. Secondly--I would like to meet the "wet woman who could take all three feet of his sword." Like the "five dollar foot long" husband called once and asked if I had $4.80.

  4. @char... I was a huge Excalibur fan until I saw again a few years ago... and I was like.. really? I like this? But that is true with most movies I liked in college. This proves I am getting old.

    @Mandy... I once saw a condom called the "Catherine the Great"

  5. @chantel... she was a water nymph... and nymphs tend to like the deeps. And I like your husband's sense of humor.

  6. I always thought Arthurian legend was pervy. They just tried (not) so hard to use every sex euphemism they could find, and even I knew that at 12.

  7. I once tried to get an ex boyfriend to call my vagina Excelsior. It didn't stick for long.

  8. @pina... I didn't even know what euphemism was at 12... let alone sex. I thought swords were just swords. I was a late bloomer.

    @Lady... first welcome... I am now one step closer to my annual reader growth curve resolution of 30. I can see why he is "ex"... I would have crowed "EXCELSIOR" every time and then it would have gotten old, and you would have regretted saying it in the first place and then you would have dumped me. **sigh** See.. you've dumped me already and we just met.

  9. So, since modern times have seen the liberation of women, I guess it makes sense that we've stopped bothering with swords and man-drama, and opt to stay home with our independence and weapon of choice.

    Silver bullets. Obviously.